Auto-Polite: Use With Caution

Over the years, I’ve come to notice that I’ve developed a sort of automatic default in unfamiliar situations to be extra polite. Smile when someone is talking to you. Laugh when they make a joke. Don’t make any weird faces, stand up straight, and try to avoid saying anything horrendously inappropriate/offensive.

For Example:

An Interaction with a hypothetical Irish person (HIP) on Auto-Polite:

HIP: Hello, Beth.

Me: Hello, HIP.

HIP: How are you doing?

Me: I’m well. How are you?

HIP: Settling in all right? Getting along with everyone?

Me: Yes, everyone is very nice so far.

HIP: Good, good, wouldn’t want you stuck with a bunch of (insert colorful Irish saying).

Me: [High-pitched laugh with plastered grin] No, no, they’re all very nice.

HIP: That’s grand. See you later, then, take care.

Me: Yes, you too.

Problems:

First of all, it drives me bananas when you ask people how they are and they don’t answer. I know it’s become a sort of polite placeholder in conversation, but what’s the point in asking if you’re not going to answer.

Second, I am obviously being very fake. In a normal conversation, I would not laugh unless the other person said something very funny. However, I have found that laughter is a sort of neutralizer and makes people feel safer—i.e. if I laugh at your joke I’m not likely to murder you. I automatically resort to laughter whilst in Auto-Polite to keep things relaxed. However, it makes it seem that I have absolutely no sense of humor because I think everything is funny.

Now, let’s look at what happens without this nifty social tool.

An Interaction with HIP off Auto-Polite:

HIP: Hey.

Me: Hey.

HIP: How’s it going?

Me: Eh, you know.

HIP: So a bunch of us are going into city centre tonight to a club. Do you want to come?

Me: Um. [Insert sneer]. I don’t really feel like going clubbing. I’m kind of over that whole “clubbing” scene. Like, I did it a lot when I was younger and needed a lot of attention, but I’ve kind of outgrown it.

HIP: Oh.

Me: Plus it’s really expensive to go clubbing in Europe.

HIP: I guess.

Me: But you guys have a good time.

HIP: Um, thanks.

Problems:
Well, you can see.

While Auto-Polite can be great at first, it should be used with care. If you’re too polite initially and laugh too much, people will think you’re crazy. They will also expect you to remain polite so that when the façade eventually falls (and it will) and the real you comes out, you will seem like an enormous, insensitive bitch.